This is a really tough post to get through, as I read the following letter to my son it gave me a lot to ponder

Dear HL,
You are officially 3 months old today… wow… 3 months that brings a smile to my face. We made it buddy, you and me and daddy, we did it. We’ve all been learning this thing together and so far no major injuries so a round of applause for the 3 of us!

Right now you’re dozing off to dreamland next to me on the couch. We’re watching Martha Stewart make superbowl recipes with an audience of all men, the Man Show. I’m looking at all of these men and thinking about how you will be one of them one day. One day too soon I’m sure… What kind of a man will you grow up to be sweet boy… lord knows you have the most amazing role model father to lead the way. Will you be a tough guy? Shy and reserved? A football player or a theater major? What will your dreams and aspirations be HL… what plan will you have for your life…

I can’t wait to be a spectator for your life bubba, I can’t wait to watch you achieve all of your goals and learn about the wonders this world has to offer. I am so proud to be your mother. I am so thankful for everything that you have taught me so far and for the vast amount of lessons that you will continue to teach me throughout life. I cherish these times that I have you all to myself, just you and me, on the couch, snuggling together while you’ll still let me. I love you son, with all of my heart and soul. Happy quarter of a year big boy!

“One day too soon” is what really stands out to me as these months continue to fly by. Now a month later something about saying 4 months makes my baby seem so grown up, like he’s not my little baby anymore. What am I going to do at 6 months, 8, a year?? I am so excited to watch him grow to watch him learn, I’m amazed daily at what he is turning into but I yearn for the days when he was still 5 pounds, when he wore premie clothes, when we had to cut socks for his hats because his head was too small for regular ones.

I sat and watched my son today… in pure silence… with no distractions. I watched him sleep and smile in his dreams, I watched him continue to suck on the pacifier even though it was no longer in his mouth, I watched him wake up and look at me with those beautiful blue eyes which could say nothing more than I love you Mom.

I held my son today and cried, I felt his smoothe skin, played with his hands and feet, stroked his forehead and cried some more. He stared at me as if he understood what I was feeling and smiled and cooed at me like he was reassuring me that it was going to be ok, that this is how life works, and that the best years are yet to come. I smiled back at him through my glossed over eyes knowing that this has been the best time of my life, knowing that it will only get better from here, but still wishing I could hit the pause button on life. Time passes exponentially these days.

He’s getting so big and changing so much.

I just want to tip the hourglass of time over for while, soak it in a little while longer.

Every time I write these posts I’m flooded with memories of how we got here. I made some photo books and calendars the other day with pictures of me in labor and pictures of him at 2 weeks, 2 months, 3 months…. where has the time gone. I pulled out his hospital bracelet today, it’s not much bigger around than my thumb yet here I am packing up clothes that he no longer fits in. What has happened to these past 4 months?

Life. Life is what has happened.

My son is a daily reminder that everything must change, that time will never slow down, that each day is worth cherishing, that pictures are more valuable than gold, and that memories are the only things in life that we have to hold on to in the end. So I’m going to get better at taking pictures and making memories and cherishing each morning that I wake up.

My husband and I have created something amazing, we have witnessed a miracle, we were given the most beautiful gift.

So today the computer goes off, the tv goes off, the phone gets ignored. I’m going to hold my baby today, I’m going to watch him and talk with him and love on him. I’m going to be with my baby, really BE with him and soak in every second.

Life is calling and you only get one chance to be here in this moment…